NHS Homeopathy – Satire Time

Via MatGB, slightly absurd news that an NHS trust are advertising for a homeopath, despite budget cuts which have seen hundreds of more-useful staff sacked. (Now this is one place where budget cuts would actually be a good idea … just set the NHS homeopathy budget to a big fat zero…)

People are being encouraged to write bogus applications for this position, as a form of rebellion. Here are my suggestions…

I am very excited by this position, as I work in the field of science and have no medical qualifications whatsoever. Thus, I will be at least on a level playing field with whomever you eventually appoint, and may in fact actually be better qualified. My education so far includes two degrees in real sciences, a BSc in Physics and an MSc in Astrophysics, and I’m currently working toward a PhD in Astronomy. Thus one day, unlike your homeopath, I may actually be a doctor!

As I have no actual medical qualifications, any medical knowledge in my brain is diluted to an extreme degree – and thus, from the basic principles of homeopathy, this means that I must be an extremely good doctor.

(Obviously I’m not, but I’m assuming that if you’re hiring a homeopath for £68K, then you don’t care about competence.)

If you hire me, I promise to make your budget disappear. Since my over-inflated salary will dilute your finances, this means that you will of course immediately receive much more shiny monies, as we all know that homeopathy also applies to money too. If for whatever shocking reason you don’t find yourselves rolling in cash, I will undertake to hit your chief executive with a rubber mallet, as you have clearly forgotten to undertake this key magical ritual.

If you appoint me, I will spend all day doing nothing in your hospital. Thus, by diluting my work to an extreme extent, I will in fact be an incredibly effective homeopath. (Actually, that probably works…) If you ask me what you’re paying me for, I will hit you with a mallet until you stop.

In the event that the Placebo Effect causes anyone treated by your department to actually get better, I will make sure that I am present to take the credit for this miracle cure. Otherwise, I intend my presence at work to be in homeopathic quantities only. Yes, this contradicts what I said earlier – but if you’re hiring a homeopath at a medical institution, you clearly aren’t worried about contradictions in terms.

I know that molecular memory is a key part of homeopathic practise. As such, I will establish a drop-in clinic where confused molecules can go for memory therapy. There will be an analyst’s couch in the corner, and I will help them improve their memory by reading to them selected works of Sigmund Freud. The improved molecules will also be hit with a mallet, just to make sure they don’t forget anything.

In the event that you don’t hire me, I will assume that you have thus diluted my employment to homeopathic quantities – and thus you have in fact hired me. Either way, I want my £68K. Or I’ll hit you with my mallet.


2 Responses to “NHS Homeopathy – Satire Time”

  1. I think you’re on to a winner with this 😀 . I read Trick or Treatment by Simon Singh recently and it confirmed many of my suspicions about homeopathy As for some of the other “alternate” treatments out there I swear there are many people with lots of money and very little sense, crystal healing, i mean, really 😦

    • In all seriousness, the crazy thing about this is that £68K is the equivalent of 3 junior doctors’ salaries, and there are medical-school graduates going unemployed at the moment due to a lack of NHS vacancies!

      I mean, if people really want homeopathic treatment, I wouldn’t stop them, I just think they shouldn’t expect it via the taxpayer.

      And as for crystal healing *shakes head sadly*. Crystals are lovely things, and have many interesting properties, and they can be quite soothing to look at as they’re pretty, but I don’t think they’re going to do much for (say) a broken leg, somehow!

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